over it

$

come thru

i got molested at 4 until i was 8. he said he was going to marry me, yet when he got too old to “play” with me any longer he pretended i didn’t exist. at 16 i told my parents about it. they told his parents. his family didn’t believe me and now i’m left with the guilt of breaking up my family. used and thrown away.

i lost my virginity when i was 17 to my “best friend” who i was in love with. he didn’t love me, didn’t even like me, but, he wanted to fuck me. everyone at my school thought i was a terrible person because he told them that i cheated on my boyfriend with him. now we don’t even speak. used and thrown away.

later that year i started seeing a new guy hoping things would be better. first date he wanted me to blow him. i did. every date after that he tried to push it further. i didn’t want to. finally he wouldn’t take no for an answer. he ended things with me because i “wanted too much”. used and thrown away.

19 and i decided to give online dating a try. i did, met a great guy. or so i thought. within 5 minutes of meeting him he’s feeling me up in a movie theater. i played it of, i already knew no doesn’t mean much. he tried to take it further without a condom. i had to say no, several times, but he had to have me. i continued to see him so that i didn’t have to remember him as a rapist and my first online date as “oh yeah i got raped!”. he ended things with me because i was a slut who “fucked” on the first date and not relationship material. i demanded he at least admit that he raped me and he reported me to the police for harassment. used, and thrown away.

so one could imagine why i was at one point so bitter, so closed up, so broken. but now i accept it. 

i was so entitled, expecting people to accept me for what i really am. i really wanted people to pity me for my circumstances, for the reasons why i am not okay. but that was never anyone’s responsibility. i get it now. you go through the same thing over and over again until you realize that you aren’t meant for anyone because well… no one wants damaged goods.

and i feel bad for all the girls who have ever felt bad for me or looked up to me for being so “confident”. i’m no role model. there is nothing to pity here. i am no longer trying to change who i am. at least i can accept it now. 

i feel bad for all the guys that have gotten close to me, honestly. i ended up hating all of them for treating me like nothing, like a slut, like i’m stupid. because i realize now i actually am all of those things. it was never their fault. 

nobody likes “difficult”.  i gotta quit holding out for that fairy tale shit. i gotta sell out, start being that submissive type of girl since that’s what’s in.

nobody wants me because i am “difficult” so i’m going back to being a hoe

that “my parents are outta town this weekend” dick

damn, sometimes you just need somebody to call you out on your shit

it really sucks being a decent girl tryna date. guys are like “damn she’s beautiful AND she’s smart AND she’s fine AND she’s confident? let me fuck her up real quick”

nicki made me cop em lol

the anaconda video is like the perfect visualization of how amazing i think my goodies are :)

my dad just started crying because i called him an “uncle tom”…

"fox news" "colorblind society" "quit playing the race card" "why does everything have to be about race?" "we’re all humans" "right wing republicans" "america: land of the free" 

i think what really fucks me up is that dudes can always tell me how [insert positive adjective] i am and yet still they all leave. the good ones, the bad ones, the crazy ones, the ugly ones… everyone leaves so like what’s the point? might as well be an asshole or a hoe or ignorant or dismissive